Photoshop Contest!

Greetings Sportsmen,

I'm very pleased to announce the very first AT&T Photoshop Contest brought to you by Comedy Show on maniaTV in conjunction with the new AT&T. This is the first management-sanctioned contest Comedy Show has ever held, so you had better get while the gettin is good!

Rules: It's simple enough, we'll provide this blog with an excellent photoshop project that somehow includes the AT&T logo. We will choose a winner each week and give them a fantastic prize.

Examples provided by Jon, host of Comedy Show:

AT&Tbraham Lincoln sure knows how to win a prize.

Not a winner but a solid effort none the less.

Me feeding my alternate AT&T-self. I would be surprised if your mind is still intact right now.

Dazzling!

Celebrating AT&T LifeDay!

You won't need The Force to win a fabulous prize.

I will be selecting a winner every Wednesday, unless otherwise noted. All you have to do is add to this blog post each week and see what you get. Easy enough. The lines are now open...

-B

The maniaTV Holiday Party: Holiday Party 2.0

As i do every morning at work, I've taken it upon myself to attempt to vastly improve my work environment. I've been working at maniaTV for about two and a half years now and I see some room for improvement. My revelation for this morning is that there is every reason in the world to call our hosts "Maniacs". I sit in disbelief when i think how we haven't done that already. It sounds totally boss and infinitately more professional. Try "Maniac Cyber Jocky Megan" or "Game Maniac Rob". Ideas like this one are always best serviced with a Comedy Show example: "Comedy Show presented by AT&T with your hosts Maniac Jon and Maniac Brendon".

Example: Maniac Host Joe Don Baker 

Put that item on your to-do-list maniaTV. I haven't steered you wrong before and 'm certainly not about to start any time before Christmas.

I was in the middle of this fantastic development when I suddenly recieved an inner-office Evite. What's an Evite you ask? Well sire, that's a good god-damned question.

I've never done well with responding internetly to things and this was no exception. I really cocked this one up and I still don't really understand how this Evite works (does the "E" stand for "electronic" or "excellence"?). In any event, from what I can gather from all the buttons and options is that maniaTV is throwing a holiday celebration and you had better believe that's for Christmas and nothing else on account of the religious intolerence I'm assuming exists here. That could be a problem for me because I've heard that we are all going to have to take communion and drink the blood of christ in the server room and eat the body of christ in the form of Ethernet cables and LaCie hard drives. If you are wondering, I'll tell you right away that you do not absorb the information inside a hard drive upon ingestation.

LaCie Hard Drive 

The mandatory compliance and worship of Supreme Chancellor Lord Internet should have been mentioned in this Evite but that's how they get you. It's like Scientology in that sense- it's all about fixing your personal problems first. It's a brave new world here on the other side! Next Friday should, at the very least, be over stocked because I accidentally put down a +42 next to my name and I don't think I know 42 people who don't work here already. This will be known throughout the life of this company as the year of the Lil' Smokey. Or, at least if I have anything to do with it.

God of the Internet (and total prick).

The receptionist just refilled her candy basket. I've got to get in on some of that.

-Brendon

What was Burt Thinking?

'Smokey and the Bandit II' is the worst sequel in movie history. Coming off the dizzying heights of cinematic nirvana known as the original 1977 classic 'Smokey and the Bandit', I’m sure the filmmakers thought they couldn’t lose with a triumphant return to the world of illegal trucking through the American south, featuring all of our favorite characters from the original film, including Burt Reynolds as Bandit himself, the fun-loving, fast driving, mustachioed gearjammer with the million dollar smile, Sally Field as the cute-as-a-button Carrie, aka frog who couldn’t quite make it as a New York chorus girl, but will steal your heart just the same, and Jerry Reed as Cledus Snow, aka the snowman, Bandit’s trusty wheelman, pushin’ that old 18 wheeler across the USA. And, who could forget the immortal Jackie Gleason as Sherriff Buford T. Justice, the craziest, fattest, most racist sheriff in the great state of Texas, and his idiot son, Junior.

Heck, after watching the original for the hundredth time the other day it dawned on me that I’d never seen the sequel, and lucky me, my digital cable’s on-demand feature hooked me up with a whole Burt Reynolds section, and low and behold, there it was in all its glory, 'Smokey and the Bandit II'.

I was excited, I’ll admit it. I’m such a huge fan of the original, I was almost ashamed that I’d never seen part 2, and now here was my chance. It started off promising, with an awesome 18-wheeler race being won by the Snowman, but soon we find out that Bandit’s a drunken mess all because Frog up and left him. And it turns out that Frog has actually gone back to Texas, and once again agreed to marry Sheriff Justice’s idiot son Junior, even though the whole reason the sheriff was chasin’ the Bandit in the first movie, was because Frog had left Junior at the altar.

I know that in movies, especially comedies, and especially Burt Reynolds' movies, you’re supposed to suspend your disbelief and check reality in at the door, but I simply could not make the leap that somehow Sally Field had forgotten what had happened in the first movie, and was once again about to wed this dumbass. And then the wedding gets interrupted by a phone-call. The priest is right in the middle of giving the service, and a totally arbitrarily placed telephone rings, and the priest actually stops and answers it. So anyway, Frog takes the call, and it’s Cledus on the phone and he says he needs her to help him get Bandit in shape for this huge payday.

Okay, fine, Sally Field forgot the first movie, and she attends a church where the phone could ring at any time. Fine, I can accept that. What I can’t accept is the concept that the Governor of Texas is so desperate to get a pregnant circus elephant to his campaign Rally that he’s willing to pay known criminals $400,000 to remove a said elephant from quarantine, and transport it from Miami to Austin. Now, I don’t know much about the retail elephant market, but I’m pretty sure you could buy multiple elephants for $400,000, especially in 1980 dollars, which is the year this piece of crap came out. In fact, I just saw a thing on '60 Minutes' that said only the tusks of elephants were valuable, and the rest of the animal’s pretty worthless. You’re tellin’ me the governor of Texas couldn’t get an elephant for cheaper? I highly doubt it.

Okay, okay, so let’s say that all of this is totally acceptable to me. Let’s say that I’m such a huge Burt Reynolds' fan that it doesn’t matter how ridiculous the plot is, I’m enthralled no matter what. Give me Burt and Sally and Jerry Reed and an awesome black Trans Am, and I’m the happiest moviegoer in the universe. I still wouldn’t be able to deal with the completely unnecessary presence of Dom DeLouise, as the idiotic Italian doctor that gets hijacked by the gang to take care of the sick elephant. Even the most brilliant doctor on the planet wouldn’t be able to help a sick elephant, let alone a Paul Prudhomme look-alike who claims he’s Italian, even though I’m pretty sure he’s doing a Russian accent.

This is just another in the long line of sad examples of Burt Reynolds getting his good buddy a part in his movie, even though he doesn’t belong there. Did you know that Burt Reynolds wanted Dom Delouise to play the Ned Beatty part in Deliverance? That’s a borderline entertaining movie at best, with all of its disturbing undertones, can you imagine Dom DeLouise being told he’s got a purdy mouth?

But anyway, I’m just sayin’ if you ever get the chance to see 'Smokey and the Bandit II', skip it. Trust me.

'Smokey and the Bandit Part 3', on the other hand...

Better than the original.

Modern American Innovation

Or maybe it's Japanese, I can't be sure. The US of A is almost certainly in competition with Japan for the right to own the most honorable title of Premiere Gadget Global Superpower. As i am not famililar with cultures of the east, other than their natural predisposition towards achievement and nintendos, I will focus on the most important monthly publication in this fair nation of ours- THE BROOKSTONE CATALOGUE.

Nintendo (popular gift item) 

As the gift season approaches, you had better get ready to fill your hearts with great gift ideas from those most American of innovators: the Brookstone people. Follow me as I take you through a tour of the best of the best in modern American living.

Looking for all of the workout of horseback riding without the stable fees? We have your answer right here with the iGallop.

This time saving, money saving, space saving piece of outstanding exercise equipment will get you that Paul Revere body and you might be crying "The British are coming!" but fitness will already be right at your doorstep. With three speeds of pelvic gyration, you had better believe that your groin will thank you when you're done with this workout. Without hesitation, you must act on this opportunity of a lifetime. The "i" in "iGallop" implies health and is assurance that your $299 will go straight to your inner thighs. It's THE femoral work out for 2008.

Still can't get your iFix for this holiday season? Well take another look guy because you're checking out your ipod on a 9  ft television attached to your face.

You'll be the envy of the neighborhood with your Vuzix iWear Glasses for iPod. Take an afternoon, use your glasses in a hammock or on the road with the kids. Now you can watch your favorite episodes of hit television like Bionic Women and Chris Angle for just $349.95 plus cost of television program ($1.99 per episode) and iPod ($500). You try and buy a 9 ft. television and tell me the cost, I think you just might be in the market for iWear Glasses.

Now that you are in the business of time and space saving, might I suggest a little something to spice up the kitchen. Take a look at SmartShopper Grocery List Assistant. Its voice-recognition actually logs your shopping list as you shout it at the wall! This will make your shopping experience infiniately easier even with the grocery item "Are my keys in here?" appearing on the list eight times.

And to clean up, might I suggest the Cleanse Light? You heard right my friend! It's a light that cleans! The Cleanse Light eliminates up to 99.97% of certain fungus and bacteria; most likely the most dangerous of fungus and bacterias which can be eliminated by light. You don't want to miss out on this hot ticket item. Your family's health depends on it.

These are but a taste of the entire Brookstone Catalogue. Do yourself, and your family, a favor and get on that mailing list because i can promise you that this Christmas, you won't be sorry. Watch Comedy Show. 

Larry David and Glenn Danzig

As it had been my plan for nearly a week, last night I went to my girlfriend's house to watch a television. On account that i don't have cable, I have to drive imponderable distances just to watch "Heroes". Last night was particularly interesting as i had the past four episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm to catch up on. Now, for anyone who is famililar with the show, CYE this season has been extremely strange. I would say it's been an amazing season but things aren't looking good for Larry David. Having being left by his wife, LD is on the mend and I actually find the whole thing kind of sad. That being said, watching two hours of that show sends some kind of misdirection to basic internalized coping mechanisms. In short, LD's decision making process begins to make sense. What is essentially a show about the lack of reasonible communication, Larry runs into a lot of problems that could be solved if he would slow down and choose his words properly. This has been an issue for LD for a long time and this problem with Cheryl is no exception. However, the one man who is never struggling for articulation is Glenn Danzig.

Aside from watching premium channel television, the bright shining star in the sky of my life this week is that maniaTV has provided me with the opportunity to see Danzig this Wednesday. If you're not famililar, Danzig totally kicks ass and he's twice the man that you are. If you're a woman, Danzig has probably already had sex with you. With so many uncertainities happening every moment, it's classic Danzig tracks like "Killer Wolf" and "Kiss the Skull" that keep our delicate emotional balance secure. Much like Matt Pike (this generation's Danzig in my opinion), Danzig wants to share a beer with everybody and he's not giving you a choice in the matter.

With that in mind, I believe that it is, in fact, Danzig that could really help Larry David out this season. I have totally lost what it was I was talking about. I honestly don't remember where i was going with this. Watch Comedy Show.

I'm So enthusiastic about blogging!

If I don't retract the statements I made in my last blog post, I'm going to get in trouble, so here I am again, stopping what I'm doing in terms of producing Comedy show, so I can write this. Anyhoo. I totally love blogging and it's not a total waste of ime at all. I'd much rather do this than write content for my show.

What do you think? Tell me. I'll read your comments, honest.

Luck on the information super-highway

As the nation continues to mourne the loss of "the one man who can save this country from Rock and Roll", Robert Goulette, each and every one of us is is slowly awaking from our grief-coma to find that there might be a problem with our favorite sit-coms and summer blockbusters.

1.1- Robert Goulette

Due to the down-turn in the real estate market, Americans desperately turn to their favorite comedy half-hours like "2.5 Men" and "Dick in the Box". Well, get ready because as of this morning, those 2.5 men are without a word to speak and the dick has been taken out of the box (although i'm not entirely sure that "Dick in the Box" is still on the air or was ever a TV show). The "looming" writers' strike has loomed and loomed and loomed so long that it actually happened. It has something to do with the extension of formats, DVD sales and illegal downloading or something. These people want more money every time I watch a television show on the Internet, a service that under any other circumstance would require a television and some kind of cable service.

1.2- Picket Sign

What has universally agreed to be a victimless crime has finally caught up with us and we're all to blame for Tina Fey drawing the picket lines from coast to coast. Get ready because not only are your favorite sit-coms coming to a grindingly unfunny hault, but your favorite one hour dramas that you use to get real will also disappear. Goodbye L.A. Law!

1.3- Harry Hamlin of L.A. Law 

It's the end of television as we know it. This then presents an interesting problem for industry folks, as well as the consumer. Well, here at maniaTV, I believe we have a solution and that solution lies within your pal Brendon here. With tireless effort, I've been stockpiling countless ideas for both sitcoms, as well as feature length films. Under any other circumstance, I would say that the American public is not ready, but the iron is hot, as they say, and the time is appropriate to strike. Further, the best part is that the illegal downloading of episodes of Reba, Family Man and Murphy Brown will not be a problem.

1.4- Sicom smash "Reba" 

Prepare yourselves for films like "The Lunchlady", where an elderly woman murders children and places their severed heads inside of their lunch pails.  Film or hour-long drama? Well, that could go either way. Perhaps a re-vamp of "Beauty and Beast" crime drama is more to your liking? Not a problem. There's plenty of fan fiction in my notebook to fill half a season. There is an issue, however, of crossing those picket lines. The term "scab" is thrown around so carelessly these days and really, really... it's no different than a social worker crossing those lines for the betterment of a child's well-being. In a time of nation-wide despair, it's the Internet television writers of America that will stand up with a display of true patriotism. If maniaTV stops the comedy, then the terrorists win. Watch Comedy Show.

(Below) 1.5- Patriotism

The Affects of a Wildfire on the Adult Entertainment Industry

Very exciting things happening here at maniaTV, particularly Comedy Show.

I can't wait for some big stuff we have happening.

Stay tuned.

-B

Thoughts on Blogging

It sucks. At least for me. It's a complete waste of time, and distracts me from the dozen other things I have to get done on a daily basis.

What do you think? Leave me a comment... or not... it's not like I'm gonna read any of them.

Til next time, when I write something incredibly similar.

Your internet pal,

Jon