What was Burt Thinking?

'Smokey and the Bandit II' is the worst sequel in movie history. Coming off the dizzying heights of cinematic nirvana known as the original 1977 classic 'Smokey and the Bandit', I’m sure the filmmakers thought they couldn’t lose with a triumphant return to the world of illegal trucking through the American south, featuring all of our favorite characters from the original film, including Burt Reynolds as Bandit himself, the fun-loving, fast driving, mustachioed gearjammer with the million dollar smile, Sally Field as the cute-as-a-button Carrie, aka frog who couldn’t quite make it as a New York chorus girl, but will steal your heart just the same, and Jerry Reed as Cledus Snow, aka the snowman, Bandit’s trusty wheelman, pushin’ that old 18 wheeler across the USA. And, who could forget the immortal Jackie Gleason as Sherriff Buford T. Justice, the craziest, fattest, most racist sheriff in the great state of Texas, and his idiot son, Junior.

Heck, after watching the original for the hundredth time the other day it dawned on me that I’d never seen the sequel, and lucky me, my digital cable’s on-demand feature hooked me up with a whole Burt Reynolds section, and low and behold, there it was in all its glory, 'Smokey and the Bandit II'.

I was excited, I’ll admit it. I’m such a huge fan of the original, I was almost ashamed that I’d never seen part 2, and now here was my chance. It started off promising, with an awesome 18-wheeler race being won by the Snowman, but soon we find out that Bandit’s a drunken mess all because Frog up and left him. And it turns out that Frog has actually gone back to Texas, and once again agreed to marry Sheriff Justice’s idiot son Junior, even though the whole reason the sheriff was chasin’ the Bandit in the first movie, was because Frog had left Junior at the altar.

I know that in movies, especially comedies, and especially Burt Reynolds' movies, you’re supposed to suspend your disbelief and check reality in at the door, but I simply could not make the leap that somehow Sally Field had forgotten what had happened in the first movie, and was once again about to wed this dumbass. And then the wedding gets interrupted by a phone-call. The priest is right in the middle of giving the service, and a totally arbitrarily placed telephone rings, and the priest actually stops and answers it. So anyway, Frog takes the call, and it’s Cledus on the phone and he says he needs her to help him get Bandit in shape for this huge payday.

Okay, fine, Sally Field forgot the first movie, and she attends a church where the phone could ring at any time. Fine, I can accept that. What I can’t accept is the concept that the Governor of Texas is so desperate to get a pregnant circus elephant to his campaign Rally that he’s willing to pay known criminals $400,000 to remove a said elephant from quarantine, and transport it from Miami to Austin. Now, I don’t know much about the retail elephant market, but I’m pretty sure you could buy multiple elephants for $400,000, especially in 1980 dollars, which is the year this piece of crap came out. In fact, I just saw a thing on '60 Minutes' that said only the tusks of elephants were valuable, and the rest of the animal’s pretty worthless. You’re tellin’ me the governor of Texas couldn’t get an elephant for cheaper? I highly doubt it.

Okay, okay, so let’s say that all of this is totally acceptable to me. Let’s say that I’m such a huge Burt Reynolds' fan that it doesn’t matter how ridiculous the plot is, I’m enthralled no matter what. Give me Burt and Sally and Jerry Reed and an awesome black Trans Am, and I’m the happiest moviegoer in the universe. I still wouldn’t be able to deal with the completely unnecessary presence of Dom DeLouise, as the idiotic Italian doctor that gets hijacked by the gang to take care of the sick elephant. Even the most brilliant doctor on the planet wouldn’t be able to help a sick elephant, let alone a Paul Prudhomme look-alike who claims he’s Italian, even though I’m pretty sure he’s doing a Russian accent.

This is just another in the long line of sad examples of Burt Reynolds getting his good buddy a part in his movie, even though he doesn’t belong there. Did you know that Burt Reynolds wanted Dom Delouise to play the Ned Beatty part in Deliverance? That’s a borderline entertaining movie at best, with all of its disturbing undertones, can you imagine Dom DeLouise being told he’s got a purdy mouth?

But anyway, I’m just sayin’ if you ever get the chance to see 'Smokey and the Bandit II', skip it. Trust me.

'Smokey and the Bandit Part 3', on the other hand...

Better than the original.